5 Losing Strategies — Remixed

As a couples therapist, I often draw on Terry Real’s “Five Losing Strategies.” These are patterns that, when they show up in relationships, rarely serve connection—and often make things worse. While Terry’s strategies were designed with romantic relationships in mind, I’ve found they show up in all relationships: friends, colleagues, family, and even with yourself.

In this post, I’m remixing his original strategies. Much like a song remix, the core remains the same—but I’m adding practical steps, questions, and alternatives to help you respond differently the next time one of these patterns appears in your relationship.

You can learn more about Terry Real’s work here.

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1. Needing to Be Right

The pattern: You’re in a conversation and it’s less about connecting and more about proving your point. Whose memory is accurate? Whose perspective is “correct”? The drive to be right can take over and erode trust and closeness.

Remix:

• The next time you notice frustration rising, pause and ask: Am I trying to be right right now?

• If yes → take a deep breath. Then ask yourself: Is it important that I am right right now?

• If the answer is “maybe” or “no,” pause the conversation. You might say, “I need a minute,” then hug, crack a joke, or excuse yourself.

• Use the pause to shift focus: decide to listen. You can always revisit the topic later, but right now, prioritize connection over winning.

Pro tip: Set the intention: “I’ll listen first, respond later.” It sounds simple, but pausing before reacting can change the entire trajectory of a conversation.

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2. Controlling Your Partner

The pattern: You think you know what’s best for your partner and try to steer them in that direction. You may be trying to control their behavior, the outcome of a situation, or the tone of a conversation.

Remix:

• Pause and recognize when you’re trying to control. Take a few deep breaths.

• Ask: Am I trying to decide what’s best for them instead of understanding their choice?

• Shift your stance from “fixer” to “curious.” Ask open-ended questions:

• “Can you help me understand why you want to do it this way?”

• Follow with a yes/no check: “Would you like me to share my perspective, or just listen right now?”

• Let go of controlling the outcome. The only thing you can control is your own reactions, tone, and openness.

Pro tip: Curiosity > control. The more you ask, the more you understand—and the less you need to steer.

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3. Unbridled Self‑Expression

The pattern: You express everything without filters—anger, frustration, criticism, contempt—without pausing to consider the impact on your partner.

Remix:

• Pause and ask: Will what I’m about to say increase connection—or push my partner away?

• If the answer is “push away,” step back. This may be internal work: therapy, mindfulness, journaling, or emotional regulation skills.

• Respond instead of reacting. Use “I” statements and short, intentional communication.

• Example: “I’m upset and need to share something. Can we talk when we’re both calm?”

Pro tip: Think of your words like arrows—choose to aim for connection rather than to wound.

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4. Retaliation

The pattern: You feel hurt, so you retaliate—through words, actions, or silent withdrawal. This is often an attempt to “make them feel what I feel.”

Remix:

• Pause and ask: Will what I’m about to do or say improve our connection—or hurt it further?

• If it risks harm, step back. Grab a pen and paper and brainstorm connection-focused alternatives:

• Give physical touch (hug, hand-hold)

• Apologize for your part

• Listen actively

• Take a break and return intentionally

• Choose one of these instead of retaliation. Revisit the conversation when calmer.

Pro tip: Writing down alternatives helps your brain move from revenge mode to connection mode.

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5. Withdrawal

The pattern: You emotionally or physically check out. Silent treatment, avoiding eye contact, or leaving the space without explanation. This is different from a healthy time-out.

Remix:

• If you need space, communicate it: “I need a break for 20 minutes. I’ll be back at [time].”

• Set the expectation for return and reconnection: “When I come back, we will…”

• Use the break to regulate: walk, journal, breathe.

• Upon return, re-initiate connection: “Thanks for giving me the break. I’m ready when you are.”

Pro tip: Withdrawal is only effective if it’s intentional and communicated. Silent abandonment is destructive; conscious space is restorative.

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Why This Matters

These “losing strategies” don’t just fail—they actively harm connection. Recognizing when they arise is step one. Learning the “remix” steps is how you respond differently. Over time, these small, mindful interventions create a relationship where connection—not winning, controlling, or punishing—is the default.

Next Steps:

Pick one strategy you notice in yourself. Over the next week, pause when you see it arise and use the “remix” instead. Track how your partner responds. Notice how you feel. Consider sharing your intention with your partner:

“I’m working on noticing when I need to be right. If you see me doing it, can you say ‘pause’ so I can catch it?”

Shared awareness can be the foundation for deeper connection.

For more on Terry Real’s work and his Five Losing Strategies, visit Terry Real.

Beyond the Gottmans’ State of the Union: Deepening Your Weekly Check-In with FANOS

If you’re familiar with relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman, you’ve probably heard of their recommendation for couples to hold a weekly check-in known as the State of the Union. This isn’t a stuffy business meeting—it’s an intentional moment to reconnect, reflect, and stay attuned to your partner’s emotional world. It helps couples strengthen connection, address brewing conflicts before they explode, and nurture ongoing intimacy.

But what if we could take this already powerful ritual and deepen it even further?

As a therapist who works with couples navigating the complexities of sex, intimacy, communication, parenting, grief, and everything in between, I’ve found value in blending the Gottmans’ structure with another simple but transformative check-in tool: FANOS.

FANOS is a framework that emerged from the sobriety and recovery community as a way for partners to rebuild trust and emotional honesty. It offers a clear yet flexible container for deeper emotional sharing—without veering into therapy session territory.

Let’s break down what FANOS stands for:

F — Feelings

Share your emotions and inner experience from the day or week. The goal here is to name your feelings clearly and honestly—try going beyond “fine” or “tired.” Use resources like thefeelingswheel.com to expand your emotional vocabulary and connect to what’s really happening inside you.

A — Appreciation

Acknowledge something you genuinely appreciate about your partner—something they’ve done or said in the past 24 hours that you haven’t already praised or affirmed. This helps cultivate gratitude and reminds both of you that your efforts are seen and valued.

N — Needs

Share a need. This can be something you need from your partner (“I need us to plan a date night soon”), something you need from yourself (“I need to set better boundaries at work”), or a general need (“I need a nap!” or “I need a conversation about how safe we feel emotionally”). Naming needs is powerful, vulnerable, and a key to healthy connection.

O — Ownership

Take responsibility for a misstep, a hurtful comment, or something that didn’t land well. This is a chance to say, “I messed up,” “I’m sorry,” or “I could have handled that better.” It models accountability and helps soften lingering tension before it turns into resentment.

S — Successes, Sex, or Struggles/Stress

This final section can be tailored to your relationship’s current needs. You can choose one or rotate or be an overachiever and share all 3:

• Successes & Strengths – Share something positive or exciting you’re proud of.

• Sex/Sexuality – Talk about your desires, needs, wins, or questions around intimacy.

• Struggles/Stress – Share a challenge you’re facing—emotionally, mentally, or logistically—and allow your partner into your inner world.

I recommend using FANOS as a powerful framework within your weekly State of the Union. It invites you to go beyond logistics or surface-level check-ins and really connect around what matters.

The rules of FANOS are simple—but not always easy:

1. When you're the listener, just listen. No fixing, defending, or responding. Your only job is to receive and witness what your partner is sharing.

2. If you feel the urge to respond or react, jot it down, hold it for 24 hours, and check in with yourself. If it’s still important then, bring it back with calm and clarity. You might find that time softens the intensity and gives you space to reflect.

3. Keep it brief. This whole process can take under 5 minutes per person. It's ideal for couples who feel short on time but still want to stay emotionally connected. Do it before bed, during a coffee break, or even through a voice memo—though a little eye contact in person is always best.

Want to Go Deeper?

If you liked what you read in this article and you're looking to deepen your connection with yourself or with your partner—whether in a sexual, intimate, or relational way—and you live in the state of California, MindfullyWell Therapy is here to support you.

We're a small, intentionally curated group practice made up of clinicians who bring our multicultural, mixed-race, and intersectional identities into the therapy room—not as an afterthought, but as part of our lived experience. We pair that with clinical expertise, a deep belief in the power of relationships, and a commitment to helping clients feel seen, safe, and supported.

We support individuals, couples, adolescents, and Gen Zers—especially those navigating the complex space where identity, relationships, and mental health overlap.

If you're ready to take the next step in your growth, we’d be honored to connect with you.

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