Beyond the Gottmans’ State of the Union: Deepening Your Weekly Check-In with FANOS

If you’re familiar with relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman, you’ve probably heard of their recommendation for couples to hold a weekly check-in known as the State of the Union. This isn’t a stuffy business meeting—it’s an intentional moment to reconnect, reflect, and stay attuned to your partner’s emotional world. It helps couples strengthen connection, address brewing conflicts before they explode, and nurture ongoing intimacy.

But what if we could take this already powerful ritual and deepen it even further?

As a therapist who works with couples navigating the complexities of sex, intimacy, communication, parenting, grief, and everything in between, I’ve found value in blending the Gottmans’ structure with another simple but transformative check-in tool: FANOS.

FANOS is a framework that emerged from the sobriety and recovery community as a way for partners to rebuild trust and emotional honesty. It offers a clear yet flexible container for deeper emotional sharing—without veering into therapy session territory.

Let’s break down what FANOS stands for:

F — Feelings

Share your emotions and inner experience from the day or week. The goal here is to name your feelings clearly and honestly—try going beyond “fine” or “tired.” Use resources like thefeelingswheel.com to expand your emotional vocabulary and connect to what’s really happening inside you.

A — Appreciation

Acknowledge something you genuinely appreciate about your partner—something they’ve done or said in the past 24 hours that you haven’t already praised or affirmed. This helps cultivate gratitude and reminds both of you that your efforts are seen and valued.

N — Needs

Share a need. This can be something you need from your partner (“I need us to plan a date night soon”), something you need from yourself (“I need to set better boundaries at work”), or a general need (“I need a nap!” or “I need a conversation about how safe we feel emotionally”). Naming needs is powerful, vulnerable, and a key to healthy connection.

O — Ownership

Take responsibility for a misstep, a hurtful comment, or something that didn’t land well. This is a chance to say, “I messed up,” “I’m sorry,” or “I could have handled that better.” It models accountability and helps soften lingering tension before it turns into resentment.

S — Successes, Sex, or Struggles/Stress

This final section can be tailored to your relationship’s current needs. You can choose one or rotate or be an overachiever and share all 3:

• Successes & Strengths – Share something positive or exciting you’re proud of.

• Sex/Sexuality – Talk about your desires, needs, wins, or questions around intimacy.

• Struggles/Stress – Share a challenge you’re facing—emotionally, mentally, or logistically—and allow your partner into your inner world.

I recommend using FANOS as a powerful framework within your weekly State of the Union. It invites you to go beyond logistics or surface-level check-ins and really connect around what matters.

The rules of FANOS are simple—but not always easy:

1. When you're the listener, just listen. No fixing, defending, or responding. Your only job is to receive and witness what your partner is sharing.

2. If you feel the urge to respond or react, jot it down, hold it for 24 hours, and check in with yourself. If it’s still important then, bring it back with calm and clarity. You might find that time softens the intensity and gives you space to reflect.

3. Keep it brief. This whole process can take under 5 minutes per person. It's ideal for couples who feel short on time but still want to stay emotionally connected. Do it before bed, during a coffee break, or even through a voice memo—though a little eye contact in person is always best.

Want to Go Deeper?

If you liked what you read in this article and you're looking to deepen your connection with yourself or with your partner—whether in a sexual, intimate, or relational way—and you live in the state of California, MindfullyWell Therapy is here to support you.

We're a small, intentionally curated group practice made up of clinicians who bring our multicultural, mixed-race, and intersectional identities into the therapy room—not as an afterthought, but as part of our lived experience. We pair that with clinical expertise, a deep belief in the power of relationships, and a commitment to helping clients feel seen, safe, and supported.

We support individuals, couples, adolescents, and Gen Zers—especially those navigating the complex space where identity, relationships, and mental health overlap.

If you're ready to take the next step in your growth, we’d be honored to connect with you.

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