5 Losing Strategies — Remixed

As a couples therapist, I often draw on Terry Real’s “Five Losing Strategies.” These are patterns that, when they show up in relationships, rarely serve connection—and often make things worse. While Terry’s strategies were designed with romantic relationships in mind, I’ve found they show up in all relationships: friends, colleagues, family, and even with yourself.

In this post, I’m remixing his original strategies. Much like a song remix, the core remains the same—but I’m adding practical steps, questions, and alternatives to help you respond differently the next time one of these patterns appears in your relationship.

You can learn more about Terry Real’s work here.

⸻

1. Needing to Be Right

The pattern: You’re in a conversation and it’s less about connecting and more about proving your point. Whose memory is accurate? Whose perspective is “correct”? The drive to be right can take over and erode trust and closeness.

Remix:

• The next time you notice frustration rising, pause and ask: Am I trying to be right right now?

• If yes → take a deep breath. Then ask yourself: Is it important that I am right right now?

• If the answer is “maybe” or “no,” pause the conversation. You might say, “I need a minute,” then hug, crack a joke, or excuse yourself.

• Use the pause to shift focus: decide to listen. You can always revisit the topic later, but right now, prioritize connection over winning.

Pro tip: Set the intention: “I’ll listen first, respond later.” It sounds simple, but pausing before reacting can change the entire trajectory of a conversation.

⸻

2. Controlling Your Partner

The pattern: You think you know what’s best for your partner and try to steer them in that direction. You may be trying to control their behavior, the outcome of a situation, or the tone of a conversation.

Remix:

• Pause and recognize when you’re trying to control. Take a few deep breaths.

• Ask: Am I trying to decide what’s best for them instead of understanding their choice?

• Shift your stance from “fixer” to “curious.” Ask open-ended questions:

• “Can you help me understand why you want to do it this way?”

• Follow with a yes/no check: “Would you like me to share my perspective, or just listen right now?”

• Let go of controlling the outcome. The only thing you can control is your own reactions, tone, and openness.

Pro tip: Curiosity > control. The more you ask, the more you understand—and the less you need to steer.

⸻

3. Unbridled Self‑Expression

The pattern: You express everything without filters—anger, frustration, criticism, contempt—without pausing to consider the impact on your partner.

Remix:

• Pause and ask: Will what I’m about to say increase connection—or push my partner away?

• If the answer is “push away,” step back. This may be internal work: therapy, mindfulness, journaling, or emotional regulation skills.

• Respond instead of reacting. Use “I” statements and short, intentional communication.

• Example: “I’m upset and need to share something. Can we talk when we’re both calm?”

Pro tip: Think of your words like arrows—choose to aim for connection rather than to wound.

⸻

4. Retaliation

The pattern: You feel hurt, so you retaliate—through words, actions, or silent withdrawal. This is often an attempt to “make them feel what I feel.”

Remix:

• Pause and ask: Will what I’m about to do or say improve our connection—or hurt it further?

• If it risks harm, step back. Grab a pen and paper and brainstorm connection-focused alternatives:

• Give physical touch (hug, hand-hold)

• Apologize for your part

• Listen actively

• Take a break and return intentionally

• Choose one of these instead of retaliation. Revisit the conversation when calmer.

Pro tip: Writing down alternatives helps your brain move from revenge mode to connection mode.

⸻

5. Withdrawal

The pattern: You emotionally or physically check out. Silent treatment, avoiding eye contact, or leaving the space without explanation. This is different from a healthy time-out.

Remix:

• If you need space, communicate it: “I need a break for 20 minutes. I’ll be back at [time].”

• Set the expectation for return and reconnection: “When I come back, we will…”

• Use the break to regulate: walk, journal, breathe.

• Upon return, re-initiate connection: “Thanks for giving me the break. I’m ready when you are.”

Pro tip: Withdrawal is only effective if it’s intentional and communicated. Silent abandonment is destructive; conscious space is restorative.

⸻

Why This Matters

These “losing strategies” don’t just fail—they actively harm connection. Recognizing when they arise is step one. Learning the “remix” steps is how you respond differently. Over time, these small, mindful interventions create a relationship where connection—not winning, controlling, or punishing—is the default.

Next Steps:

Pick one strategy you notice in yourself. Over the next week, pause when you see it arise and use the “remix” instead. Track how your partner responds. Notice how you feel. Consider sharing your intention with your partner:

“I’m working on noticing when I need to be right. If you see me doing it, can you say ‘pause’ so I can catch it?”

Shared awareness can be the foundation for deeper connection.

For more on Terry Real’s work and his Five Losing Strategies, visit Terry Real.